Well my friends, I checked my Instagram before I started writing this and I begun to see how fabulously spectacular everyone else’s lives look, compared to my humble existence today. Sensational filtered food shots, glamorous selfies out on the town, an endless parade of people doing fabulous things and going to wonderful places while gazing into the Instagram sunset. #whoarethesepeople #whatswrongwithme It would appear at first glance that compared to ‘everybody else’ I am pretty much having a horrible day but the philosopher in me wonders if this is actually true or just a whole lot of internet-induced smoke and mirrors. The truth is, thanks to social media, we live in an edited reality. It makes everyone’s grass seem green and well groomed but actually online, we are all just showing off the best bits. Gone are the days where we took photos and waited a month to get them back only to find that our eyes were shut or we were looking a ‘lot different’ in that skirt than we had thought when we left the house, where we edited by ripping up the Kodak paper before our brothers could run off with that awful photo and show anyone else. Now we take the shot and check and shoot again then we crop and edit and filter until we look our best. We only add photos of things that make us look and feel good. I’m not saying this isn’t normal behaviour, nor that I don’t do this myself, but the distorted view of reality it gives can be very depressing when viewed from a perspective that doesn’t feel so rosy. We could all be forgiven for thinking that our lives pale in comparison to the wonderful world of the social media updates of those around us. So what’s the solution? Do I post photos of myself doing the dishes, awful selfies with terrible angles? Endless status updates about having a bad day? Not necessarily. Personally I think that real gritty emotions are best shared in a more private forum, and while there is a place for supporting one another online I also believe that nothing replaces face to face or voice to voice communication to grow closer to one another. Facebook is fun, Instagram can be interesting, but we must keep a level head and a clear perspective on how little of someone’s life we are really seeing. If they are just showing off the good bits, we must remember that they too have the bad bits along the way. Don’t forget to reach out to your friends personally, use the convenient forum of the internet to arrange meetings and hangouts and get the chance to get below the surface. Don’t forget that their lives are just as tedious as yours most of the time but they too are just showing a highlights reel to the world. Don’t let your news feed rob you of all the little joys that are waiting for you today in your world. Remember, if you edit out all the ‘bad stuff’ or the boring bits you may miss the tiny fragments of joy that will feed your soul today. Stop. Breathe. Analyse this moment. We are alive, we are awake. There are people that love us, there are people that need us. We live in a free country, there is a God that loves us on whom we can depend at all times. Someone else’s grass will always appear greener, but as I look out my window I see that mine is covered in daisies. My father would of course suggest that means I haven’t mown the lawn, but I prefer to think that they are God’s free gift of a little bit of beauty in an otherwise grey day. What unedited joys can you find today? May your lawn be blessed, even if it’s just with a few daisies. Xx JG

My Dad used to say 'eat your vegetables, they'll put hair on your chest.' I'm not quite sure how that was supposed to be a motivating factor, but I definitely used that saying as an excuse to not eat my Brussels sprouts! But do you remember the old saying 'you are what you eat?' It's not entirely true (or I would probably be a bag of Caramel popcorn by now), but there's actually some truth in there. What we feed our bodies, is important. What we feed our brains does affect our mental wellness. The balance of nutrition is not something to be ignored when it comes to how our minds/brains/hormones/emotions are functioning. We are getting better at taking care of ourselves in so many ways, but we are just finding out the link between our state of health, our state of diet, and our state of mind. Nourishing, strengthening and sustaining are three things that good food should do. What are we feeding ourselves? Are we looking for mental wellness while ignoring a brilliant key right in front of our noses? Are we, (figuratively or literally) busy praying and longing for good health while sitting in the KFC drive through? If we are what we eat, what are you? I'm doing further research on this one, and don't worry any finger pointing is squarely back at me too...it's just that I'm trying to live a solution focused life, and this one seems like an attainable key. Let's have a look today at what's on our plates, and see how that may affect what's happening in our brains, some great nourishment may be just what the doctor ordered!

Much love Julia

Mental wellness means staying healthy in our brain which links inextricably with the rest of our body. Anti-depressants come in many shapes and sizes and help to keep us in balance - yay! Maintaining our hormone and chemical levels helps our whole selves to function smoothly - from our thoughts, to our physical experiences right through to our feelings. So where do we get our anti-depressants from? GREAT NEWS! Here’s a bunch of sources (in no particular order) we can access to boost our mental wellness!! 1. NATURE. Green spaces, open water, pure air and the chance to decompress the mind is a sure-fire way to improve your mental wellness. We spend too long in mentally stressful situations and not long enough challenging our bodies to do what they were designed to do. This leaves our brains exhausted and our bodies unfit. Whether it’s a walk around the park or a full-scale bush bash, nature will speak to your soul like nothing else. Keep the anxiety, burnout and depression at bay with a dose of NATURE. 2. NURTURE Love, human connection and real nutritious food are some ways to get your dose of nurture. When the stress-O-meter is peaking take time to NURTURE yourself with things and people you love. 3. DOCTOR. I’m so grateful for advances in modern medicine, from the heart surgery that saved my life through to the medication that has helped me through depression. I love that we live in a country where doctors give holistic medical advice and take mental wellness seriously. If you need to see a DOCTOR as a source of anti-depressants, don’t hesitate! 4. COUNSELLOR Professional counselling can help make real sense of your past and positive changes to your future. It always helps to speak your thoughts, (even if it’s just to your pot plants) but a great COUNSELLOR is so worth the investment of time and money. 5. CREATOR. By taking time to contemplate and communicate with our Creator we make space in our heads and gain perspective. Acknowledging our fragility and leaning in on God takes the pressure off ourselves and our need to be in control of things that are not ours to control. Take a dose of time with the CREATOR on a daily basis. Have a wonderful day Aroha nui Julia xx

If you care for someone who is dealing with Mental Wellness issues, here’s some encouragement for you!

WHAT YOU DO IS AMAZING. It may not seem to be appreciated, (depressed people can struggle to show their gratitude ) so let me say, your small things make a big difference. THANK YOU.

It's so hard not to take things personally when someone could or should be showing more gratitude, try to read between the lines between the lines rather than believe everything that is said to you.

Don’t forget IT'S NOT ALL UP TO YOU. If your loved one had an illness you could see, you would not be their surgeon or counsellor. With conditions of the mind, you can only do your best, the end result is in the hands of the person, their choices and God.

Encouraging someone to seek professional help can take the load off you and allow them to have someone they can truly download to.

Finally, YOUR LIFE MATTERS! Have someone you can download to and make time to fill your own emotional tank. Make no excuse for enjoying yourself, you don't need to be pulled into a vortex of despair to be empathetic.

The mental health of carers is understandably at risk, take responsibility for yourself and showing some self love and self care.

Give your loved one something to hope for by trusting God and living as fully as you can.

Part of living an abundant life is taking care of our own Mental Wellness.

I get to do some cool things as an artist, like walk the red carpet at the music awards, :) but I have to admit that i have a love/hate relationship with it.

I get out of the stretch limo (yay) to be greeted by a crowd who think who’s that (cringe)!

Big highs and lows can trigger mental wellness issues, when emotions are strong (both good and bad) we are more vulnerable than usual.

Weddings or funerals, deadlines or holidays, the big stuff makes for big emotional changes. The things that people see are not always the things that make our brains react either, be prepared for reactions that may be unexpected to situations.

Here's some tips to ride the waves.

GUAGE. Check in with your feelings, learn to predict your responses and ride the roller coaster of emotion mindfully, the ups and the downs. Both ends of the spectrum will benefit from you being prepared for them.

ENGAGE. If you're like me, and retreat into your shell under pressure, give someone permission to check in. Be honest with God, and with others, nobody’s surprised by your state of mind. Your reactions are normal and they can be managed.

STAGE. Plan something fun beyond the big event to look forward to, to help you keep perspective. If it all falls apart at least you can move onto the next fun activity!

Guage, Engage, Stage

xx

JG

Part of our mental wellness is identifying and speaking up when our minds and bodies are not doing so well, but what about the other side of the coin? What about the things that we love, that make us go Mmm-mm! If we ignore the signals that give us a sense of well-being we will forget the triggers that started them. If we keep our senses open to them, we will learn to identify and repeat those patterns that bring us little joys. For me it’s the feeling of sun on my skin, the taste of a good coffee, the sound of beautiful music. Ooh and the smell of vanilla anything! ☺ If something ticks the box and give you an inner smile, try these three things.


STOP! Freeze. Take a moment to acknowledge and be grateful for this thing that has stopped you in your tracks, no matter how small. 


FEEL! Enjoy it - don’t let its simplicity rob it of its significance! Take a photo. Share the moment. Experience it with as many of your five God-given senses as you can. Touch, smell, taste, see, hear. If (like me) it’s vanilla that makes you feel like a glorious summer day, get a candle AND a hand cream AND a vanilla smoothie and go ahead and double down on all the sensory goodness! 


REPEAT! Do it again! If it’s cheap or free, make it happen regularly. If it’s out of your reach, look for a cost-effective solution. 
If you can’t afford a tropical holiday, get some coconut candles and make your room smell like one! 
If you don’t have sunshine, change your lightbulbs from icy cold to the warm tones that make your room feel less like you're about to be questioned by the CIA. 
If you're hanging out for extra space, get rid of some clutter to make the room you have feel bigger. 
We are so good at making up excuses, let’s use all that creative genius to identify and repeat the things that make us, and those we love, go Mmm-mm. 
I’m off for some coffee, candle (vanilla) and Coldplay and to sit in the sun for five minutes. What are you going to do?


Much love Julia xx

Don’t feed the seagulls! :) Peace-pickers...they circle our heads, they swoop in, they steal our peace, crumb by crumb. Like scavenging seagulls, peace pickers are thoughts, ideas or words that trigger panic, fear or stress. They press on our bruises and pick away at our defenses, exposing our vulnerabilities. Sometimes we feel them circling, and need to take action before they get close enough to swoop, so how do we stop feeding them and start chasing them away? Remove. Turn off the triggers that let them in. Block the pages and delete the numbers that let the peace pickers get close enough to hurt. Relocate. Stand up, get out of the space you're in and let that little bit of distraction clear your head. Refuse. Guard your mind, actively wave away the thoughts that are threatening to land, before they get the chance to rob and steal. Wave your arms around if you have to! :) Remind. Use the anxious thoughts as a reminder to pray. Take a moment to turn it over to God again, and refocus on the truth.

Replace. The peace-picking seagulls don't need any encouragement, but we do, I've been fighting them off this week and it's exhausting, but fully worthwhile. Be encouraged...we've got this, through Christ who strengthens us. X Julia

Believe it or not, Hollywood has got me thinking! A lot has happened recently with personal stories finally being told. It’s a positive move forward for those with such painful past experiences, to be heard and acknowledged. One of the causes of Mental Wellness issues is trauma from the past. Suppressed pain that has been pushed under the surface is like a ticking time bomb to our minds. We may think we have locked the door on the past but don’t be fooled, the brain stores everything. Ignoring our past and hoping for the best is like putting a sticking plaster over a knife embedded in our chest and pretending it’s not there. We might deny its existence but it will cause endless complications not to mention everybody else being able to see it! So how can we help protect our Mental Wellness from the trauma of the past? LET IT OUT Telling our story is vital to this process. Be it to a friend or a counsellor (or better still both) the chance to tell your story in your own words without judgement is a powerful and beautiful thing. Be wise about who you open up to, and grateful for their listening ear. LET IT HEAL Once a wound has been cleaned we need to give it a chance to heal. Leaving behind the places and people that consistently bring damage the wound is vital to the process. Be with people that speak life, not pain and give yourself time to get better. LET IT GO Forgiveness is a process that takes time but is worth every ounce of effort. Be brave enough to forgive yourself, be powerful enough to forgive others and leave the rest in God’s hands. Life is short, don’t waste it. Let it out, let it heal, let it go Kia kaha

Xx Julia

Emperor penguins live in the harshest of environments, but they sure know how to live in community. In the bitter cold, as they huddle together for protection they do this amazing thing. As they shuffle in a spiral each penguin has its turn in the middle and then the outside of the circle,

Its nature’s way of acknowledging that we all have seasons where we are on the protective front and other times where we need to be protected. Over the past few years I’ve had to learn to be the middle penguin and it’s not easy. It can be embarrassing to admit to that you need to be cared for, especially if you are used to being a protector.

Its not glamorous in the middle, huddling in the centre can make us feel useless, tired and jaded, but by then the other penguins are not concerned by how flash you are, they are just busy trying to hold you up. Being in the middle validates your part in the community as much as being the strong protector did, and admitting your weakness makes you a better friend, counsellor and family member. 1…Enjoy it. This may be the first time you have ever really allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to be held up. Lie on the couch, order cups of tea and make the most of the sympathy vote! 2…Stop fighting. Nobody wants to help a penguin that keeps snapping at them to go away. Thank God for the people he has placed around you, be gracious and accept the position you are in for the season that you are in it.

3…Take heart. You will get your turn on the outside again. One day you will be well and whole and taking your place as the protector and inspirer that you were born to be. Penguins of all positions, Kia Kaha. be strong, be brave, be open to support. Allow the seasons to carry you and embrace them all.

xx JG

MENTAL WELLNESS please share - MOVE THAT BODY! 🎉👣

I’m too tired.😫 I’ve been sick for days.💊 I need more sleep🙏. I haven’t been for too long.⏱ I haven’t got my stuff organised.🎒 I look terrible.😜 My toenails need doing.👣 My foot hurts cos I stood on a nail three weeks ago.

The list of excuses this morning was as long as my arm but I pushed through and hit the Pilates studio anyway 😴 (Half asleep to be honest)

I can’t say I was brilliant but at least I was there! 👍🏻 What can you do to push through today? 💃🏻

Give your brain a boost by moving that body - you won’t regret it! 😘

I’m going shopping today to try and find a saddle for a Chihuahua.

I’ve been saying for a few years now that my life is a long process of being knocked off my high horse and getting back on progressively smaller horses. From the high-handed and rather self righteous Clydesdale that I ‘rode’ in my youth, to the sleek, confident, bullet-proof racing horses that I ‘galloped’ on through my young adult years, to the weary footed Shetland pony who happily carried my children and I on her back around in domestic circles, I find myself in recent years on increasingly smaller rides.

My ever-changing personal circumstances have humbled me no end. I find myself a single adult woman in a church full of smiley happy marriages, I run my household alone in a society that is set-up for teamwork and togetherness. Rather than taking forward steps financially and personally I have had to take many steps backwards, discovering a fragility and vulnerability within myself that I never dreamed existed as I have to lean in on God more than ever before.

In an age of rampant consumerism and in a church that so often promises a life of health, wealth and happiness in exchange for serving God, its expected that we should be moving upwards, forwards, riding higher horses, not lower ones, as our lives go on. We’ve all heard the sermons, ‘We are the head and not the tail’, ‘We are more than conquerors’ and as modern-day westerners we like to interpret those blessings as success and socio-economic status.

Successful relationships, outward beauty, lovely homes and tip-top health – these are the things by which we measure our lives.

The trouble is, all we have to do is live long enough to realise it’s possible to do all the ‘right’ things and yet end up with the ‘wrong’ results. When things don’t go according to plan, like the friends of Job we are tempted to jump to our own conclusions.

According to many voices, if our health fails, we lack the faith for healing. If our hearts are broken, we should have prayed harder for a partner that would not let us down. If our financial position is threatened, we should have given more in the offering or donated more to the poor. If we pray for something and didn’t get it, somehow we got the wording wrong, prayed too quietly, too loudly, too little, too much…we tried our best, but still got it wrong.

And yet, what does Jesus say about climbing the ladder of personal success? His friends were discussing who would get a good place in the Kingdom based on their status of being close to him, to which he replied, “Anyone who wants to be the first, must be the very last, and the servant of all’.

If outward success is the sign of God’s blessing, that counts a whole heap of us out, if a fancy dream home and the love of a good man is the sign of God’s blessing, I’ve completely lost the plot. (Ironically the local P-dealer who’s just bought a mansion and remains happily married seems to be living the dream.)

It just doesn’t work that way. Thankfully God is more interested in what is going on inside us than what is going on around us. He is more interested in our human being than in our human doing. He knows that people and circumstances fail us and disappoint us, or that any one of us can be a couple of decisions away from saddling up a Chihuahua. Jesus seems to think that to ‘get ahead’, being the last, the least, the smallest, is something to be embraced, to be pursued even. He turned society on its head by celebrating the fragile and the weak and having a go at the proud and the self-sufficient.

Do I think we should all seek to become failures, to aspire to the disintegration of our lives just to prove a point? Of course not…what I am suggesting is that we should not measure ourselves by a standard of outward success that is fickle, fleeting and so often more down to good luck than good management. The beatitudes beautifully sum up the bittersweet beauty that comes through the struggle and the hard times, the blessing that comes through hard work and pressing forward even when it seems impossible, and maybe that is more important than outward appearances.

If you’ve found yourself in the embarrassing position of riding a Chihuahua, take heart. It in no way changes your personal value or the boundless love that your creator has for you. And the good news is, they’re cute, cheap to feed and if things go even more pear-shaped, there’s not too far for you to fall.

Eek! There’s nothing like that childhood feeling of swallowing a barley sugar whole, while doing the 40hr famine (a fast to raise money for charity). That horrible sensation of loss as your only food intake for the next hour disappears abruptly down your windpipe, uncomfortable, foreign and taking with it a strange sense of loss and wasted potential.

It tasted so sweet, you were loving it, savouring every moment of it’s glorious, glucose goodness and then bam! Suddenly it was gone.

Disappointment is a shocker, nothing makes the heart sicker than hope deferred and nothing feels more gut-wrenching than losing something that you didn’t want to lose, something that was of inestimable value to you.

Immediately we rush to make sense of the situation, to reconcile the loss in our personal tally of right and wrong, to decide why this happened, to make it all add up in our heads. We say ‘there will be something better, there must be a reason for this loss’, or ‘God is trying to teach me something’.

While there may be merit in all of those statements, (and I pray for myself as well as you that there could be a better future and you may discover a reason), they do not sum up the whole truth. In reality, there may not be something better, we may never see a reason for the loss, it may remain a mystery for the foreseeable future, or even forever.

Maybe what God can teach us in this, is that sometimes, life just doesn’t make sense to us, and what we need to do is to learn to live alongside that reality.

Mystery is an uncomfortable friend, a lonely bed-partner and cold comfort when things don’t go as we would have loved them to go, but fighting it and railing against it is ultimately a losing battle. Learning to embrace the light and shade, the rises and the falls, the sunshine and rain is a far more long-term solution to the realities of adult life, faith and love.

Its something I am wrestling with at the moment, a deeply challenging path, to have to sit next to loss and make it my friend. I cry, I ache, I ruminate and analyse, but I come back again to these simple truths.

I don’t know, but God loves me. I don’t understand, but God is for me. I can’t grasp the mystery but God is on my side.

If you’re journeying with me on this friends, be encouraged that you’re not alone! I’m sorry I don’t have a clichéd answer for this one, I remain a work in progress, but I’m slowly learning to be OK with that, and maybe that is progress enough.

I am falling apart…I have had a small cyst appear on the back of my knee, it’s hard to see but it hurts. The doctor has sent me for an ultrasound – maybe they want to see if it’s going to be a boy or a girl haha. Oh and don’t get me started on the mysterious white dot on my arm…

Not seriously, earlier this year I reopened my fragile heart and had it spectacularly broken, and while my mind and soul are still reeling from the impact of the blow, my body has also carried the damage. Hitting the ground when you’re young, optimistic and energetic is one thing, being dropped to the ground when you’re older, more tired and already broken is another.

I’m attempting to rein in my unhealthy and weak body which has carried my pain, and see it return to strength. I guess it’s an outward sign of an inward desire, the carefree girl I was last summer is a distant memory and I want to be her again. Part of that process is building stronger, higher walls around my heart, part of it is opening up my spirit and part of it is strengthening my limbs. While there are many facets to the process of rebuilding, two have stuck in my mind.

Make a scene; and carry on.

I’ve needed to make a scene, to acknowledge and identify the pain and disappointment that have slammed me to the floor. I’ve had to face my darkest fears, of being unwanted, disposable, good but never good enough. The dark night of the soul is a frightening and unparalleled place of brokenness, and I’ve spent many nights of the winter in that place.

I’ve fought depression for the first time in my life, I’ve fought abandonment, and I’m still fighting.

But there comes a time when the tide has to turn, strength needs to be regained, wintered limbs need to see the sun, frozen lips need to express words of faith and worship. There’s a time when the season of ‘Carry on’ needs to begin.

Sometimes its hard to carry on – not only because we lack the energy and strength to do it, but that by carrying on we are giving permission to the hurt. It feels that to find the diamond in the stone is to say that what has happened is somehow ok, when it’s not. Ecclesiastes speaks of there being a time and a season for everything, this doesn’t mean that we have to get all excited about everything that has happened, but as strength begins to return to a broken spirit, its time to embrace today. Vulnerability has a unique beauty, but there is a time when resilience has to kick in.

Making a scene will get us so far and has merit, carrying on takes backbone, guts and determination.

I’ve hauled my jaded body to the gym 24 times in the last 6 weeks, making it a priority. It’s tired, weak and screaming out to stop, but I’m trying not to listen. I’m hoping that by strengthening my body and leaning in on God to sustain my heart I’ll be brave enough to face the ghosts of summer with some healing in my heart.

Isaiah 42v3 speaks a load of comfort and hope to me. ‘A crushed reed He will not break, and a smouldering candle He won’t snuff out. He’ll bring forth justice for the truth.’

In the meantime, I have made the mistake of googling ‘mysterious white dot on my arm’ and according to Google Doctor I may or may not have leprosy. Well at least it will be a distraction from the sore knee! :)

As a child I was brought up under the threat of nuclear war. I firmly believed that any day, a powerful man in a darkened room would press down on a big red button and begin a war that would have no winners, only a planet full of losers. The fear was real and justified, but in many ways had a strange feeling of safety built into it. We felt that we knew where the threat was coming from, we knew that if it started, it was quantifiable and final.

Today my children live under a completely different threat. Terrorism functions in the space of the unpredictable, the ever-changing and the unknown. A religious and political ideology that makes heroes out of martyrs and and great leaders out of anger-filled young men, fueled largely by hatred, testosterone and what they learn on the Internet is, by self-definition, a weapon of mass destruction.

The fear is real. The facts are overwhelming and the ability to do anything about it seems to be beyond our reach entirely. One of the things that fear does to us it to make us feel utterly powerless, depression is highlighted when we feel that there is nothing we can do to change the situation around us.

So what, if anything, can I do?

I can’t go to war on ISIS. I can’t change an entire nations attitudes toward the treatment of women. I can’t change the world.

But I can change MY world.

I can raise my daughter to be proud of her femaleness, to be bold and strong and gutsy. To not let anyone tell her that she needs to either cover her entire body to protect her from men, nor need to use her body to attract their attention.

I can raise my son to be strong and sensitive at the same time, to protect those in his care, to show kindness to women while at the same time considering them as equals.

I can spread love and kindness in the sphere that I am in. I can make the world that I come into contact with today brighter, lighter and more life-affirming through the words that I speak.

I can celebrate the moment, be reminded that living in a peaceful country with human rights and freedom of speech is privilege not to be taken lightly. I can exercise my democratic rights and use them wisely, no matter how frustrating the outcome can sometimes be.

Above all, I can pray. On one level we are responding in the physical level, but on another level we are not fighting against flesh and blood, we are fighting an enemy that has one three-pronged mandate. To steal, kill and destroy.

Prayer allows us the chance to change the world when it feels like there is nothing we can do. Pray for victims, both those who are frightened and those who are caught in a web of anger and lies. Pray for those in government that they use their positions wisely, that they choose to work together to protect the vulnerable.

Let’s bring peace where we can, and pray for peace where we cannot.

X Julia

If ‘crying in public places’ was an Olympic sport, I think I would be a serious contender for a gold medal. I have been going through an incredibly tough personal journey and emotions have been bubbling close to the surface resulting in an unprecedented amount of public shedding of tears.

I’ve cried in the middle of the food hall at Westfield, I’ve cried in bars and fancy restaurants, I’ve cried walking into church, during church and after church. I’ve cried at the beach, through an entire class at the gym and on my kitchen floor. There’s something about pain, physical or emotional, that lowers our guards, breaks down our normal barriers and short-cuts our normal filters.

We all understand how it is when we drop something heavy on our toes or shut our finger in the car door and we see how quickly the cry (or the expletive!) rushes to the surface. It’s the same with emotional pain but somehow in our modern western culture we seem to have lost the art of the cry.

The Irish call it ‘keening’, the Africans call it ‘ululating’, the Bible calls it ‘deep calling to deep’… and no other culture says it’s not OK except for our stiff-upper-lip British heritage. The World War II catchphrase of ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ is cute on a tea-towel but really not good enough advice when it comes to processing the deep recesses of the heart.

The reality is that deep emotion is not tidy. It’s messy and confronting and no-one really knows what to say when it manifests itself, but consider this. If you were in pain from a broken leg nobody would shush you for making a noise of complaint or shedding a tear as you try to move your leg and regain your strength.

In the same way we should not attempt to hide the tsunami of emotion that wells up inside us as broken hearts attempt to move, heal and regain strength.

I am not talking about stopping altogether and wallowing in self-pity (although the occasional paddle in the ‘Poor Me’ river is not to be sniffed at!) I heard a great quote once, ‘If you are walking through a storm…Keep Going!’ We may not be able to remain completely calm but at least we can keep moving.

In a strange way, this process has been liberating. No-one is surprised if suddenly my tears flow, laughter breaks out loudly or I cling to them in a hug that lasts twice as long as normal. I feel less contained, less constrained and freer to allow emotion to flow like a stream of consciousness.

Throughout this process I have spent countless hours with makeup streaming down my face, friends have stopped pointing out to me that my mascara is running and learnt to assume that when the tears stop, I will head to the bathroom to sort it out.

The thing is, I refuse to stop wearing the makeup. It’s not about my pride, or my desire to look good, it’s not even about the reality that without eyeliner a search party needs to be sent out to look for my eyes. The reason I refuse to stop layering on the mascara like coats of inky war paint is that I believe for something, I hope for something, I wait for something.

I believe that one day, sometime soon, I will get through a day without the tears falling, that I will make it through just one passage of time without the makeup channeling furrows down my face as my emotions spill over.

I will not give up. Something inside me clings to hope for a better day and until I see it, I will embrace the gift of the cry.