I am falling apart…I have had a small cyst appear on the back of my knee, it’s hard to see but it hurts. The doctor has sent me for an ultrasound – maybe they want to see if it’s going to be a boy or a girl haha. Oh and don’t get me started on the mysterious white dot on my arm…
Not seriously, earlier this year I reopened my fragile heart and had it spectacularly broken, and while my mind and soul are still reeling from the impact of the blow, my body has also carried the damage. Hitting the ground when you’re young, optimistic and energetic is one thing, being dropped to the ground when you’re older, more tired and already broken is another.
I’m attempting to rein in my unhealthy and weak body which has carried my pain, and see it return to strength. I guess it’s an outward sign of an inward desire, the carefree girl I was last summer is a distant memory and I want to be her again. Part of that process is building stronger, higher walls around my heart, part of it is opening up my spirit and part of it is strengthening my limbs. While there are many facets to the process of rebuilding, two have stuck in my mind.
Make a scene; and carry on.
I’ve needed to make a scene, to acknowledge and identify the pain and disappointment that have slammed me to the floor. I’ve had to face my darkest fears, of being unwanted, disposable, good but never good enough. The dark night of the soul is a frightening and unparalleled place of brokenness, and I’ve spent many nights of the winter in that place.
I’ve fought depression for the first time in my life, I’ve fought abandonment, and I’m still fighting.
But there comes a time when the tide has to turn, strength needs to be regained, wintered limbs need to see the sun, frozen lips need to express words of faith and worship. There’s a time when the season of ‘Carry on’ needs to begin.
Sometimes its hard to carry on – not only because we lack the energy and strength to do it, but that by carrying on we are giving permission to the hurt. It feels that to find the diamond in the stone is to say that what has happened is somehow ok, when it’s not. Ecclesiastes speaks of there being a time and a season for everything, this doesn’t mean that we have to get all excited about everything that has happened, but as strength begins to return to a broken spirit, its time to embrace today. Vulnerability has a unique beauty, but there is a time when resilience has to kick in.
Making a scene will get us so far and has merit, carrying on takes backbone, guts and determination.
I’ve hauled my jaded body to the gym 24 times in the last 6 weeks, making it a priority. It’s tired, weak and screaming out to stop, but I’m trying not to listen. I’m hoping that by strengthening my body and leaning in on God to sustain my heart I’ll be brave enough to face the ghosts of summer with some healing in my heart.
Isaiah 42v3 speaks a load of comfort and hope to me. ‘A crushed reed He will not break, and a smouldering candle He won’t snuff out. He’ll bring forth justice for the truth.’
In the meantime, I have made the mistake of googling ‘mysterious white dot on my arm’ and according to Google Doctor I may or may not have leprosy. Well at least it will be a distraction from the sore knee! :)